A dear friend sent me a loving note the other day. She was concerned about my living alone and being away from family. She mentioned having her husband to be there for her during times of illness and other important life events. She pointed out how important it is to have ‘someone’ in my life just in case of an emergency.
I understand and love her for her concern. So, I sat quietly and thought about that concern. Not that I haven’t thought about it before. However, today, I REALLY thought about it. Here’s my deduction:
I would LOVE to have loved ones near me in case of an emergency, but the key word is LOVE and LOVED. I spent the majority of my life trying to be LOVED by loving so hard that I lost myself and almost my soul. I sacrificed EVERYTHING to show I LOVED those in my life: my former spouse, my children, my parents, siblings, and friends. I LOVED so much that I had none left for me.
I was considered a SELFISH person because I began to LOVE myself. It was okay to LOVE everyone else, but to LOVE myself was a CRIME. I witnessed many family members and close friends give so much of themselves that they died lonely and broken although they were surrounded by LOVED ones. I was only LOVEABLE when I was BROKEN financially, psychologically, and spiritually.
Of course, I have read those stories of people dying alone in their homes and not being found for months, even years. Yes, that’s a sad situation. No one wants that to happen including me. HOWEVER, I refuse to marry again just to have someone in case of an emergency. I REFUSE to reconnect with family or friends who don’t have my best interests at heart, and whom I only hear from when they WANT something.
I’m NOT alone. I’m NOT lonely. I am LOVED because I have learned to LOVE myself. I will only allow people in my life who truly understand what LOVE, LOYALTY, and RESPECT are, and it has absolutely nothing to do with always being the sacrificial lamb. It has everything to do with being considerate, gentle, kind, patient, and understanding. Most of all, it means being the person who is true to self.
Should I have a new man in my life, it will ONLY be because he accepts me for who I am and NOT who he wants me to be. THAT is true LOVE. Until then, . . . I must do better at reaching out to those whom I know truly care for and love me. Not because of my dear friend’s concerns, but because “. . . If you want LOVE, you must show LOVE . . .” (My original email quote from 1998.”
Should I fall ill, I have my emergency contact list, which is shared with my medical provider. For my dear friend, I KNOW you LOVE me. I LOVE you, too. Thanks for thinking of me. I will be just fine.